That Christmas Song
Another year over and what have you done?
For so many years I would either swiftly turn it off or sit in a pit of gut wrenching, heart breaking crying and despair.
The words cut so deep.
Another year. Still no baby.
I am a failure.
My body is failing.
I am failing my partner.
My family.
Myself.
I am not good enough
I don't fit in with my friends anymore.
I feel so alone. So lost. So angry. So left out.
What is there to celebrate?
I am not enough.
When will it ever be my turn?
I just want to have a baby.
I long to celebrate Christmas with a child. My child.
For my husband to play with his child the way he so lovingly does with his nieces and nephews.
Why oh why can't it be me? Can't it be us?
Another year over. What Have I done?
It feels like nothing. Another year wasted.
And when I look back it was wasted. But not in the way I felt at the time.
It was wasted in the way I talked to myself.
The things I believed about me. About my body. About how life had to be.
In not feeling enough.
In not being able to enjoy what I did have.
Not being able to be present in my marriage, relationships, friendships, work and most importantly for myself.
That is the part that is heartbreaking.
So many, many years of not loving myself the way I deserved to be loved. Of not liking myself. Unaware that I was already enough.
That I was a fierce, amazing, strong, witty, beautiful and an amazing warrior woman. Capable of doing amazing things. Already doing amazing things.
A woman who already fit in. Who already deserved to be loved. Who was (and still is) very much loved.
It is so hard to see that when you are spiraling down the rabbit hole of infertility despair. Oblivious as to how you are treating yourself and drowning in coexisting. That was my journey. Not my fate but my journey.
Could it have been avoided, with the right support quite possibly. Probably. Honestly....definitely.
Would I have listened to reason? With the right awareness....yes...definitely.
Is there regret? Yes some.
But do I still beat myself up about it? Absolutely not. Why?
Because I have done the work. I have processed the feelings.
I now have a level of awareness that allows me self compassion. An awareness that embraces that woman who was so lost. That woman who was doing her best.
That woman did not have that awareness that this woman has. How could I hold any blame or inflict judgment on her. She was amazing too. She got me to here. Now she can rest. She can move forward. She can be free. She can know she is enough. She can know she is amazing, her body is amazing. She is so, so loved. She can know, because I am her.
Her but free. Free to be me. Free from guilt, shame, judgement, longing, disappointment.
Are there days where I slip? Of course there are, I am only human. The difference. It is only a slip. Not a spiraling out of control falling and a feeling of no way back. A slip. It reminds me I am indeed only human. But also of how far I have come. How much I have grown and can continue to grow and learn.
So dear reader. If you have read this far. Know that you too are a fierce, amazing, strong, witty, beautiful and an amazing warrior woman. Capable of doing amazing things. Already doing amazing things.
That change is possible and when you are ready it starts with you.
If you would like support on your journey as always please feel free to get in touch.
Much love. Dara xxx