How do I learn to let go of my need to control anything outside of right now in order for me to feel safe and able to cope?
The short answer is trust!
Trusting yourself.
For me it was (and continues to be) learning to trust myself. To trust, believe and remember that I can, will and always find my way through something, no matter how hard it is. That my confidence in myself and my ability to trust in myself has a huge impact on how I cope. Remembering too, to practice self awareness, self acceptance, self compassion, self belief and understanding is key.
When I say learning, I mean relearning, over and over. Healing, learning and growth are a continuous process. Because, dear reader, we are continuously learning, healing and growing.
Letting go plays a huge part.
Letting go of the belief that I need to control an outcome.
Letting go of the idea of comparison, the need to be in competition with something or someone that doesn’t even exist, along with the idea of the need for or perception of perfection. Trying to do that is beyond exhausting.
Letting go of the belief that I need to be in control all that time. The belief that I always have to have to ‘keep it together’. The belief that I always have to put my big girl pants on, and get on with it. That I have to be resilient, good, and positive all the time or that I have to be all things to all people. That if I am anything other than the above I am failing or not enough. That is incredibly exhausting and totally bs!
I instead remind myself that I am human, and of the importance of meeting myself where I am at. I remind myself of the importance of allowing myself to feel how I feel. I remind myself that it of the importance of being able to sit with how I am feeling, process it, learn from it and take a moment to decide what feels right for me to do next. Not for others, not to people please or for approval, but for me. Remembering too, to do so in my own time and in my own way.
Understanding and questioning what that means and looks like for me is where I start. Taking time to explore why I feel the need to be in control and looking at my beliefs around this.
Learning to let go of the coping mechanisms that no longer support me and my highest good and embracing ones that help me to feel good in myself, trust myself and know myself and love the version of myself that I am now as well as the person that I am in each moment.
I am learning to turn down the sound on the external beliefs that creep in and cause self doubt and turn up the volume on the internal knowing that empowers me to move forward, with clarity and feeling calmer in myself.
Is it easy? Of course not! You are talking about changing a belief that has been a coping mechanism for my entire life that helped me feel safe. Letting go of that is terrifying. But staying stuck, feeling anxious and angry all the time feels worse ever more terrifying. I also believe I deserve to trust myself, to know myself and live from a place of peace, compassion and understanding. And f*ck it joy, fun, laughter, happiness and feel lighter in myself.
So again is it easy? NO! Is it possible, YES!
If you want to explore what this looks like for you. If you want to feel empowered in your fertility journey, in pregnancy after infertility or loss and into how you experience motherhood, if that is something you feel you would love to gift yourself, please feel free to get in touch. Know it is possible and you don’t have to do it alone.
For one to one support and upcoming group support follow Instagram @fertilitywellbeingireland or email darabyrnefwi@gmail.com
Much love. Dara xxx