Going through a fertility journey is incredibly hard. Becoming pregnant after a long journey or loss or grief of any kind can be flooded with fear, anxiety and overwhelm. Longing to be able to enjoy every minute but clouded with fear of something happening to you or to the baby. These feelings can spill over into parenthood. Leaving you completely blindsided by how you thought you would feel and how you actually feel.
Seeing my daughters face for the first time is a moment I will remember for the rest of my life. Feeling so much love, joy and overwhelming relief. I also remember the months and indeed years of being racked with guilt and confusion that I did not suddenly feel enough. That I did not feel whole and that crippling fear and anxiety grew in intensity. There were moments of happiness, fun and laugher, but it was like experiencing them all while feeling so numb. Not feeling present or truly letting myself enjoy something I had waited for, for so long for.
This is something that I intend to go into in more detail another time. My journey, experience and indeed the journey through it and out the other side and how I am still learning.
When I write posts or indeed blogs, they are something that I feel drawn to write. I never fully know why. I find any time I do there has always been one person who has got in touch to say they could relate to so much of what I said and how much it has helped them. So I will continue to listen and I will continue to write.
What came up for me and prompted me to write this post, was for the first time, in a very long time, I have at Christmas in particular, felt fully present and excited. So many years have passed where I was feeling under pressure to recreate something, believing I HAD to feel a certain way, be a certain way and not feeling present or enough. So lost, stuck and coexisting.
I am not saying this change in me happened over night. It took a lot of work to feel how I do now. But this year for the first time I am in a place where I have fully acknowledged it. My journey, how far I have come, how much work I have done on myself. How creating emotional wellbeing, being present and feeling enough is a dynamic journey.
For the first Christmas in a very long time I'm genuinely enjoying myself. No stress. No expectations or feeling like I have to recreate the magic of my childhood Christmas to feel connected, have fun or for it to be special or perfect. For me or for anyone else.
No pressure or judgement, just the present of being present and feeling enough. Being enough and creating memories that will be my future magic Christmas memories and my families future memories. Not because they were 'perfect ', or because of the presents we got or what time dinner was but because we lived each moment together, went with the flow, nothing extraordinary but magnificently special. For me that is perfectly imperfect. I feel tears as I type this, a little for the years I did not realise this and missed out, but mostly for the learning and the knowing that I don’t have to feel how I used to. That change is possible and I can be present, feel present and enjoy myself. Something I struggled with and felt for a very long time I would never be able to do.
Wherever you are on your journey, whatever is going for you, may you feel your own sense of perfectly imperfect amid the chaos that Christmas can sometimes be when you're trying too hard or being too hard on yourself.
Not expecting anything from yourself, from others or from the day. Just living each moment. Feeling grateful for the absence of any need to put pressure on yourself to be or feel a certain way. Enjoying the presence of those with you. Remembering those who are not, knowing it's ok to miss them and be happy here in the moment at the same time. Happy in the moment, which then become a collection of moments.
From my home to yours wishing you a peaceful and relaxed Christmas and the magnificent gift of being perfectly imperfect and feeling enough. Much love. Dara x
